Foreigners on the Disc
by Cececat
Summary: This is an astoundingly weird tale I wrote in Summer 2016. It tells the tale of a young woman magically transported to the Discworld - somewhat against her will. Despite being a huge fan, she's something of a fish out of water. Things only get crazier when some characters from other fandoms - meaning RHPS and LotR - also show up. (Please Read and Review!)
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the fandoms involved here!**

 **A/N: this was written a long, long time ago. If I get reviews I'll write an ending. For now, however, it remains incomplete. At least it's novel-length...  
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 ** _Characters (From the Discworld novels. Copyright Terry Pratchett.)_**

 _[Note: there are, like, a million different references to Discworld people in this thing. I'd recommend looking up the website_ _for in-depth explanations of everything]_

 _Susan_ = the granddaughter of the Personification of Death (You know... the tall chap with the scythe and the black cloak). She's a (somewhat cynical) Schoolteacher with a talent for killing bogeyman. Her preferred weapon against supernatural pests is a fire-poker.

 _Ponder Stibbons_ = the youngest member of staff at the Unseen University (a school for wizards). He's the head of Department of Inadvisably Applied Magic. He is the sanest wizard, and the most interactive with students. He's in his late 30s.

 ** _Characters (From LOTR. Copyright J.R.R. Tolkien.)_**

 _[Note: a hobbit in the source material means a bizarrely scaled down, semi-supernatural creature. Here it means a slightly shorter-than-average human from Middle-earth]_

 _Frodo Baggins_ = an attractive bachelor who inherited a ton of money when his Uncle 'disappeared'. Of course, that money is still in his house in the Shire. (Age 30)

 _Samwise Gamgee_ = Frodo's suspiciously dedicated gardener/best friend. Sensible and down to earth compared to 'Mr. Frodo'. (Age 28)

 _Pippin Took_ = the potential heir to his family's huge estate. Of course, now that he is stuck in another dimension, he won't be inheriting anything. (Age 20)

 _Merry Brandybuck_ = another hobbit. He is Frodo's first cousin. He's probably also Pippin's cousin (since all wealthy hobbit families are related). See the "Lord of the Rings" wiki for details. (age 23).

 ** _Characters (from 'the Rocky Horror Picture Show'. Copyright Richard O'Brien._** ** _)_**

 _Ellen (aka 'Columbia')_ = a young woman who has practically no back-story in the source material. She's just this random tap dancer in love with this guy named Eddie (who gets murdered by Frank after less than ten minutes of screen time). In one brief scene of the movie, she and Magenta are seen kissing/laughing... while watching Janet and the movie's title character on the 'security camera'. (I swear it's less creepy in context of the movie). She is debatably the only sympathetic character in the movie. In the last scene, she is accidentally shot by the laser gun. As the coolest character, that shouldn't happen. So I used the idea that the laser gun only stunned her (I thank TV Tropes and for that!).

 _Magenta and Riffraff_ = in the movie itself, they're siblings/lovers (which is gross as hell) from a planet of the Transylvania galaxy. At the end of the movie, they kill the Frank with a laser gun. (It makes more sense if you look up this movie's plot summary). Magenta was Frank's maid and Riff was some random type of servant.

 _Frank_ = in the original movie he's the villain. _And_ he's an alien, like Magenta and Riffraff. For most of the movie, he wears garters and a corset. And makeup. He never shows up in this Fanfiction (luckily!), but characters talk about him a lot.

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"It's really you?" she asked with disbelief. Suddenly, she shook her head furiously. "No, you... you _died_! Anyway, the last few years you could barely walk. You couldn't type, you spoke to the computer. The BBC said so..." she looked heartbroken.

He smiled. "That's partially true. I died in your world, on the so-called 'Roundworld'. I survived here though."

"Oh, my god... Where are we? The Unseen University?"

"That's correct. The Librarian helped me set up a portal between the two worlds.

[6:47 PM]

"I'm back, Sir," I said when I returned to the sitting room.

I didn't see Mr. Pratchett anywhere.

"He's busy, you know. I'm supposed to invite you to dinner, and Mr. Pratchett might be there," said an unfamiliar male voice.

I turned around to see a man in a City Watch uniform. "Who are you? Sir?" I asked him.

"Captain Sam Vimes of the Ankh-Morpork Watch. You're Helen Jones of the Roundworld. I don't know what really going on here, because those damn wizards don't let us know anything, but I'm supposed to be letting you stay at my house." He seemed to take everything very seriously.

"It's got to be about dinner time now. Should we...?" I wasn't sure what else to say.

He nodded. "C'mon. Sybil- that's _Lady_ Sybil to you- should be ready for us now."

I followed him through the dimly lit hallway and out onto the street. Without a fireplace, I shivered. The cold autumn air felt colder on the Discworld.

As he dragged me along, I mentally wished for a coat.

Thankfully, Mr. Pratchett's apartment was quite near our destination. The bustle of Ankh-Morpork hadn't died down, even though the sun was almost done setting.

We entered the house. My host didn't even knock, his butler opened the door for him.

The small foyer led another sitting room. It looked nice enough.

A slightly plump, middle aged woman entered, smiling brightly at us. "Your the girl that our dear friend Terry told us about! Oh, I'm so glad to meet you!"

As she said this, her husband left the room via a staircase.

"So... Am I staying here as a houseguest? Or just for dinner?" I asked.

"If needed, you can stay here in one of the guest rooms," the woman replied kindly.

I smiled at this. From the books I read, I knew Lady Sybil to be a kind person. She was just that in person.

"What's for dinner? I'm rather hungry," I said, blushing slightly.

"Oh, some beef stew. Speaking of dinner, my husbands going to try to get rid of you. He's going to say the worst sorts of things in the hope you'll leave."

"Why?"

"Oh, he wants to avoid you getting involved with one of his investigations. He's funny that way."

Suddenly, my vision swam.

"...sorry!" I managed to say as I found myself in my own world again.

I'd have to eat dinner on earth.

[7 o'clock PM]

[8 o'clock PM]

I suddenly found myself in Lady Sybil's sitting room.

"... And the poor thing just disappeared!" poor Sybil was saying to a dark haired young woman and a unremarkable young man.

"Is that her right behind you?" the dark haired woman asked.

All three turned to face me.

"Oh, where've you been? Did you go back to... Your world?" Lady Sybil seemed quite fearful.

"I'm perfectly fine. Though I ate dinner at the... Other place." I explained.

The two other people seemed rather mystified by this. I knew them, of course. Miss Adora Belle Dearheart and Mr. Lipwig of the Ankh-Morpork Post Office.

"Miss Dearheart? Mr. Lipwig?" I began. The two seemed startled that I knew them, but I contributed. "It seems silly, but I'm from another world. I keep getting called back and forth. In my world I'd heard of you two. You're just as interesting as I could hope!"

"Er... Lady Sybil has been telling us about you," said Mr. Lipwig.

"I hope to befriend all of you. Do you think I could see the post office Tomorrow?" I asked.

He smiled brightly. "Yeah, it would be great publicity! Miss Cripslock would enjoy writing about a person from another land."

"You're not supposed to be going for publicity, though. Your supposed to be helping Sir Terry figure out this dimension-hopping nonsense," said Miss Dearheart darkly, light a cigarette.

I couldn't believe I'd been speaking to these beloved characters. "I want to be friends with all of you. I've read all about you, and I want to get to know you. Please, you've been my role models. Who would pass up an opportunity to talk to their hero every so often."

They all seemed taken aback at this statement.

"Miss Jones, I think I should show you to bed now. It's rather late, I think," said Lady Sybil, showing me up the stairs. As I entered a quaint little bedroom, the room spun and I left the Discworld.

[9:21 PM]

[7:16 AM]

I found myself standing outside the guest bedroom. Down the hall, Commander Sam Vimes left his room.

"Oh. It's you again," he said unhappily.

Before I could answer, the room spun away.

[7:18 AM]

[6:54 PM]

I didn't find myself sitting in my hostess's living room. I sat on a bench in a park this time. How odd. The sun was setting, and only a few children still played here.

"Hello," said a voice beside me.

I turned my head and saw a pale face staring at me with puzzlement. The face belonged to a pretty young woman with (mostly) white-blonde hair.

She narrowed her brown eyes. "You're not from around here, are you?"

"No."

"You're the girl they keep mentioning. The dimension traveler."

"I guess so."

The world spun, and I went home.

[7 o'clock PM]

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 **Please Review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the fandoms involved.**

 **A/N: Originally this was supposed to be written in almost 'real time'. That's sort of the reason I've written in the time.**

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[3:15 PM, many days later]

The world spun. I found myself in Ankh-Morpork again. At first, I didn't recognize the place. But then I realized I stood outside the post office.

"You know, we _all_ thought you weren't coming back," said the semi-familiar voice of Miss Dearheart.

She stood beside me, smoking a cigarette.

"I thought so, too," I told her.

"You gave Lady Sybil quite a fright, being gone so long," she replied with a chuckle.

"Maybe I should go over to her house for dinner again?" I suggested.

Miss Dearheart shook her head. "I think Sam's had enough of you for the time being. Anyway, some other people showed up a few hours ago. At the UU library."

"Who?"

"It's... Hard to explain. You better go meet them," explained Miss Dearheart.

She tossed what remained of the cigarette onto the sidewalk, and crushed it with the heel of her shoe.

I followed her as she stomped toward the looming tower known as the Unseen University. The university, Lady Sybil's house, and the post office are both in the same general area.

Girls weren't allowed in the school for wizards, but they occasionally made an exception for people like Miss Dearheart. They all feared the deadly shoes she wore.

"What sort of people showed up?" I asked. "And why didn't they appear in Mr. Pratchett's living room?"

We rushed up the stairs and into the library.

The librarian greeted us with a confused "Ook?"

"It's about those two odd visitors," explained Miss Dearheart.

We were ushered into the library. I carefully avoided the dangerous books of magic (AKA everything on the shelves).

Suddenly I heard two voices arguing.

We turned into another book-lined corridor. I saw two people standing there looking rather annoyed.

"It's Twoflower without his glasses!" I laughed.

Miss Dearheart glared at me. "No. Twoflower had a different haircut and always wore floral shirts."

"My name isn't 'Twoflower', miss," he explained.

"And you're not a tourist," I confirmed.

He shook his head. "I'm a gardener, miss."

I turned to the other guest, about to ask him his name.

Miss Dearheart interrupted me before I even began to speak. "They're not tourists, which make sense. They don't know anything about Mr. Pratchett, which makes no sense. _And_ they refuse to tell us anything about themselves except that the Twoflower lookalike is a gardener."

I stared at them. "If I get Miss Dearheart here to take you out of this dark library, will you explain?"

"I've got to go meet my fiancée outside his office now. You've got to handle our new guests now." She sounded rather annoyed.

I nodded. "Fine."

She marched away, leaving me with the two odd people.

"We leaving now. By the time we get to the pub we're going to, I better know at least your names," I told them.

The two strangers nodded sadly, and followed me out of the dark depths of the library. I led them out of the building and into the shining sunlight. We stopped walking in the middle of a semi-crowded pavilion (the main area of Psydopolis Yard).

"Miss, what city is this?" asked the gardener.

"We're in Ankh-Morpork. It's like a combination of shakespearian London and 19th century New York," I explained.

The other stranger, a brunette dressed too warm for the early-fall weather, looked at me in confusion. "What planet are we on?"

"The Discworld. I'm from earth, but I got teleported here," I told him.

"Er... by 'earth' do you mean the continent Middle Earth?" asked the brunette.

I gave him an odd look. "What's your name? And what's the gardener's name?"

He stared at me with worry clear in his blue eyes. "Tell us your name first."

"My name is Helen Jones," I explained with slight annoyance.

The gardener spoke up first. "My name is Samwise Gamgee, but you can call me Sam."

I realized something. "And you're Frodo Baggins! I'm pleased to meet both of you."

"How to you know that, miss?"asked Sam.

"It's hard to explain... I'll have to ask Mr. Pratchett," I explained.

"Who _is_ Mr. Pratchett?" asked Frodo.

"Well, Frodo... He's a very interesting person," I said, wishing I remembered where he lived.

The brunette glared at me. "That's _Mr. Baggins_ to you, Helen. Only friends can call me by my first name."

I nodded, trying to remember where Mr. Pratchett lived. What does one do when lost in the big city?

The ask a copper!

I quickly spotted the familiar uniform. "C'mon, you two," I said as I led the two towards the watchman.

"Sir?" I said, tapping him on the shoulder, "could you direct me to the home of Mr. Terry Pratchett?"

The copper turned out to be Corporal Visit, an infamously religious watchman.

He pointed out the building, and I quickly dragged the two guests to it. I wanted to spare them the torture of a lecture.

"You didn't have to grab our shirts like that," grumbled Sam.

"Sorry," I muttered, knocking on the building's door.

An older woman (the landlady) answered it. "What is it?"

"I've got to introduce theses two to Mr. Terry Pratchett. It's about that portal to the Roundworld," I explained.

"He's busy," said the landlady coldly.

She then closed the door in our faces.

"You know, he has a social life," said a female voice from behind me.

All of us turned around to see Susan Sto Helit.

"These two just showed up. And there not from the Roundworld!" I told her, panicking slightly.

Susan looked at the necklace Mr. Baggins wore around his neck. "You're right, that sort of magic rarely shows up where you live."

"Can you help explain any of this, Miss Susan?" I asked her.

She frowned. "I've got a date with my fiancée this evening, but it's only 4:30. Anyway, time hardly matters to him."

The four of us walked down the streets.

"Where're we going, miss?" Sam asked me quietly.

"I'm not sure," I replied.

Susan Sto Helit led us into an apartment building. She lived on the third floor, in a one bedroom flat with a nice little kitchen, a simple sitting room, and two bathrooms.

"Sit down," she ordered us, in her 'school teacher' voice.

The two hobbits sat on the couch. I almost sat next to them, but that seemed too strange. So, I stood next to the couch awkwardly.

"I haven't read the books, but I've seen the movies. I'd never really thought you could be real," I said.

Mr. Frodo Baggins glared at me. "What're you talking about?"

"Where I'm from, you two aren't real. Neither is the Discworld, actually. But Susan's been real ever since I read 'Soul Music'. Realer than most things, actually. I'd always thought it would be cool if you guys were real," I explained.

Susan came back into the room with a tray. "Serve yourselves."

She sat down on the couch.

Sam immediately helped himself to the biscuits, while Mr. Baggins regarded it with suspicion.

"You know, Susan, you've always been my favorite Discworld character," I said, with as much politeness as I could.

"Thank you," she replied, sipping her tea.

"You seem nice and all, Miss Susan. Could you explain what's going on now?" asked Sam.

Susan carefully set down her tea cup. "Somehow, a portal from the Roundworld to the Discworld appeared a few weeks ago. Helen kept appearing here for no reason. We never figured out why. It's been at least a week since she last appeared here. Then she showed up today, right when you did. We have no idea what's triggering it."

"How did you know about the ring of power?" asked Mr. Baggins.

Susan frowned. "Is that the name of the ring on that necklace? I only knew it had power thanks to my semi-supernatural heritage."

"Don't worry, I don't think the Eye of Sauron can see across the multiverse," I said, remembering something from the films.

Now both hobbits looked angry.

Suddenly, a knock was heard. "Susan?" called a voice.

"That's my fiancée," she explained quietly.

The front door, which led into the sitting room, opened. A young man stood there, dressed very nicely.

"I've got to get dressed for dinner," said Susan to nobody in particular, as she rushed out of the room.

"You're the new personification of time, right?" I asked him.

He nodded. "And you're the three dimension travelers that Mr. Pratchett and the UU seem so interested in."

"Yes, we are," muttered Mr. Frodo Baggins with annoyance.

"Don't worry, the Discworld is far less violent than Middle Earth. All the Wizards are nicer, a bit like you're world's Gandalf the Grey gone really senile."

Sam chuckled at this.

Susan rushed out of her room, no longer dressed like a schoolteacher. She now looked like a respectable young woman in mourning, even though she wasn't.

The couple rushed out the door without a farewell.

"He's right, most people are nice around here. The only real violence is the small fights between different provinces on the counterweight continent. That's all the way across the sea, and nobody around here bothers with it," I explained.

This seemed to lessen the fear in both the guests.

"What should we do now?" said Mr. Frodo Baggins.

"Are any of you hungry?" I asked, after noticing the time said 5:15.

The both nodded.

"Do you know of any places to buy food?" asked Sam.

I shook my head. "I don't even have money."

The three of us sat there in silence for a moment.

"Do you think Susan has any food?" asked Sam.

I shook my head. "She usually eats out, I think."

"I might have some of food the elves packed for us," said Mr. Frodo Baggins, reaching into the bag slung over his shoulder.

Sam blushed. "I think we ate it all."

"I think you ate it all," replied his friend.

We sat there in pathetic silence.

"Maybe I should find a friend and invite them to dinner and hope the pay the bill," I said thoughtfully.

"That's not very nice," said Sam.

"But it might work!" I protested.

Mr. Baggins shook his head. "Sam is right. That friend wouldn't want to be your friend if they kept having to buy you dinner."

"You know, Lady Sybil always cooks extra food. She also said I'm always welcome."

"Do you know where she lives?" asked Sam.

I shook my head. "But I know where her husband works. He only works until 6:00, then he goes home."

"It's 5:30 now," said Sam, glancing over to his friend for approval.

Frodo Baggins nodded. "That's a good enough idea."

We left Susan's apartment and walked outside. The sun hasn't set yet and the streets were as busy as ever. The City Watch Headquarters were across the street.

The three of us rushed across the street.

With a smile, I entered the building. The two other 'foreigners' followed me. I saw Corporal Visit checking back in after patrol duty.

Sergeant Fred Colon came up to us as we walked in. "Er, what are you doing here? You're those foreign wossnames, right?"

I nodded. "Yes, we are. Foreigners with no money that works here."

"We were going to eat dinner at Lady Sybil's house because of that," explained Sam.

Mr. Frodo Baggins kicked Sam's foot. "You're not supposed to say that," he muttered

Suddenly a creature known as Corporal Nobby Nobbs wandered over to us. "Wots this, Fred? Wot 'bout not 'aving any money? Did yer not pay up yer thieves guild wossnames?"

"We're not from around here, so we don't have any Ankh-Morporkean Dollars," I explained.

"Wot do yer want us ter do 'bout it?" asked Corporal Nobbs.

"What's that creature?" muttered Sam in fear.

"I'm not sure. Looks like an Orc, I guess," replied Mr. Frodo just as quietly.

"What's going on here?" said a polite voice.

There stood Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson, smiling kindly.

"I'm no' really sure," said Fred.

"What I want to know is why there's an Orc right here! You told us this place wasn't dangerous, you did!" shouted Sam, looking very scared.

This confused everybody.

"That's not an Orc. That's Corporal Nobbs," I explained to Sam.

"What is he, then?" asked Mr. Frodo Baggins, more courageously than his friend.

Captain Ironfoundersson stared at me in confusion.

"They're afraid of Corporal Nobby Nobbs, sir," I explained.

Carrot smiled kindly, "Show them the papers that Lord Vetinari signed. That's an order."

Corporal Nobbs retrieved a paper from his hat. It was covered in cigarette ash, and hard to read.

"It says he's human. The city himself leader signed it. Whatever an Orc is, Corporal Nobbs isn't one," explained Carrot, still smiling kindly.

Sam nodded in understanding.

Suddenly, the sound of two shoes rushing down the stairs could be heard. Vimes of the City Watch ran out the door.

"It's six o'clock, isn't it," I muttered to myself.

[6 o'clock]

We didn't manage to catch Commander Vimes before he dashed out the door. Captain Ironfoundersson offered to buy us food, but his girlfriend Sergeant Angua stopped him.

We sat on the steps of the building, in silence. The sun had begun to set.

"What do you think that blank carriage just stopped?" asked Sam, pointing toward the street.

I looked up and saw Lord Vetinari's solid black carriage parked in front of us. Silently, I gestured for the two hobbits to follow me.

I walked over to the carriage.

"Lord Vetinari wishes to see you three at his palace," said the driver.

The three of us climbed into the carriage and sat down.

"Who's Lord Vetinari?" asked Sam fearfully.

"The person who runs the city," I explained.

The rest of the relatively short ride we spent in silence.

When the carriage stopped we exited. His palace turned out to be a regal building, much in the style of renaissance Italy. We entered the building in silence.

Drumknott greeted us inside and led us through the dramatic corridors.

"Lord Vetinari wishes to see you, now," he explained.

We entered the oblong office.

"Miss Jones, Mr. Baggins, Mr. Gamgee. Please sit down," said the tall, imposing figure who sat behind the desk.

We sat in a row at the table.

Sam's eyes seemed to be scanning the room, perhaps for an escape. Mr. Frodo Baggins was fiddling with the ring on his necklace. My hands kept fidgeting.

Something about Lord Vetinari just scared the hell out of everybody!

"I've called you three here today for a rather, ah, _unusual_ reason. Most come here in hope of earning money... but then lose what money they had. You three didn't want money, but you're getting a weekly amount of... 'Pocket Money'. Your here as an experiment of the Unseen University's Wizards. I can't have their experiment waste the money of Sir Samuel Vimes, Mr. Terry Pratchett, Miss Susan Sto Helit, and others. You see, even the Duke of Ankh doesn't have endless money. You also get an apartment to share.

"To keep you out of too much trouble, some government employees will be looking after you. I'm sure you already know them, Miss Jones."

"Are they from the city watch?" I asked hopefully.

He shook his head. "No, we won't waste their talents on such a thing. You'll be looked after by Stanley Howler. He needs something to do, especially now that he's gotten over his addiction to pin collecting."

I nodded, trying to accept this fate with dignity.

Sam was still trying to figure out what 'pin collecting' was, judging by the look on his face.

"So, we'll be staying in the official Postmaster apartment that Mr. Lipwig vacated a few months ago?" I asked.

"Of course. Now, you three may leave. Drumknott will present you with this weeks salary. 15 Ankh-Morporkean Dollars a week. Not bad, you know." Lord Vetinari pointed towards the door. We exited, and found Drumknott outside.

"It's dark outside, so a carriage will be driving you to your home," he explained, handing us each a small bag of money.

"Thank you!" chorused Sam and Frodo.

I said nothing.

We walked outside, and got into the carriage that awaited us.

"What did he mean by 'addiction to pins'?" Sam asked me.

I chuckled. "Stanley collected thousands of pins. You know, the things you pin clothes together with. He loved it more than anything. Now he's grown out of it, and probably doesn't do anything as obsessive anymore. He must be bored."

Sam laughed. "That's funny, isn't it Mr. Frodo?"

Frodo hadn't said anything since we'd left Lord Vetinari's office.

"He loved the pins. Did he hate them, too?" muttered Frodo thoughtfully.

"No. He wasn't really addicted. Lord Verinari was joking," I explained.

Suddenly, Sam grabbed Frodo's arm. "It wasn't like the Ring, Mr. Frodo."

Soon, the carriage lurched to a stop. I exited, as did my friends.

Though the sun had set the street lamps made it obvious we stood in front Anhk-Morpork's post office. The three of us walked up the steps and through the door.

The last few customers were buying their stamps as we entered the building.

"Where is Mr. Stanley Howler?" I asked the woman at the desk.

She eyed me carefully through her spectacles. "I think he's in the back. You must be those guests of his."

A young man in the post office uniform entered from a door behind the desk.

"Are you the 'Mr. Stanley' Lord Vetinari told us about?" asked Sam.

"That's me," he said.

"Will you take us to out apartment, then?" I asked.

He nodded, then showed us behind the desk and through the door. We found ourselves in a hallway lined with mail-filled shelves. Through that hallway, up some stairs, and through a door with the words 'Post Master' written on it.

"Lord Vetinari had two extra beds sent over. You might as well settle in, then," said Stanley Howler.

He left.

I looked around the room. A desk, a bed, a dresser, and a door that led to the bathroom.

And two makeshift beds on the floor.

"You're the lady, you sleep in the proper bed," Frodo said quickly.

I pondered this. "You're the hobbit with an extremely dangerous magical Ring around your neck, you sleep in the proper bed."

We both looked at Sam, hoping he'd settle this. "I think a lady deserves the proper bed. Anyway, I think I should be near Frodo."

This made me giggle.

"I mean so I can stop him from putting the ring on his finger and summoning ring wraiths," explained Sam, blushing furiously.

Stanley returned to the room, carrying a tray which he set down on the desk.

"Is that dinner?" I asked, hoping Mr. Groat hadn't cooked it.

Stanley nodded. "It's a funny sort of take out stuff, I think. Lord Vetinari said you shouldn't get used to it because you'll be making food for yourself tomorrow."

I wandered over to the desk. "Pizza?"

"That's what he called it," agreed Stanley.

"It looks good, doesn't it?" Sam said.

Stanley put a slice of pizza on each of the four plates. It looked safe enough to eat. We each got a plate, and found ourselves a place to sit. I sat atop my bed, Stanley sat at the desk, Frodo sat on the floor, and Sam sat on his bed.

We ate in grateful silence.

After we all finished, Stanley left the room with the tray.

I stared at the clock that hung above the door. "8:50. We should all go to bed now."

The two others nodded in agreement. Since none of us had any other clothes to change into, we settled into our beds in our day clothes.

As I was about to turn out the oil lamp that lit the room, I realized something.

"If you two are hobbits, how are you my height?" I asked.

At 5 feet I wasn't tall, but hobbits were supposed to be much shorter than people.

"Most of us are between 4'10" and 5'5". It makes sense that we're your height," replied Sam.

I turned out the light and lay down in my bed. Just as Terry Pratchett had exaggerated his stories about the Discworld, J.R.R. Tolkien exaggerated his tales of Middle-earth.

The clock by the door went 'tick-tock', just as my clock at home did. It read 9:00, but I didn't sleep yet.

In the dark, I heard the clock more loudly. I also heard Sam humming to himself as he tried to sleep. Soon, I too fell asleep.

[9:15 PM]

[10:12 PM]

I awoke in the middle of the night. When I heard the slow breathing of my two friends coming from the floor nearby, I realized I wasn't at home. On earth, this wouldn't happen. On the Discworld, crazy stuff always happened.

Smiling slightly, I tried to go back to sleep. I wondered what might happen tomorrow. At home I'd be going to school.

But here I'm not enrolled in a school.

Anyway, people probably work at my age. 16 isn't _that_ young around here.

Again I tried to fall asleep. This time, I succeeded.

[10:20 PM]

[11:43 PM]

Again, I woke up. It was still the middle of the night!

I began to wonder if I'd get angry at the Discworld's unfortunate lack of computers and cell phones. At least most people around here are very interesting.

With AM$15 dollars a week, I'd have enough for meals. However, if we took turns paying for food, we could each buy some new clothes.

I wondered if Sachrissa Cripslock (of the _Ankh-Morpork Times_ ) would show up. If she interviewed us, then she might pay us!

Bloody Hell, I'd already begun to scheme like the rest of Ankh-Morpork citizens!

As I fell back asleep, I decided to explain my plan at breakfast.

[11:53 PM]

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	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own any fandoms involved.**

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[6:52 AM, Tuesday]

The Ankh-Morpork post office begins to bustle to life at 6:50. Thanks to the noise of employees arriving downstairs, both I and the hobbits awoke.

"What's for breakfast?" Sam asked sleepily.

"I don't know," replied Frodo, looking over at me.

I rolled my eyes. "I don't know that either."

Then, I noticed I still wore my outfit from yesterday.

"One of the desk girls from the post office dropped off that outfit a moment ago," said Frodo, pointing to a dress and a jacket lying on the desk.

"I'll get dressed in the bathroom, then," I said walking over to get the outfit.

As I picked it up, I realized something. "Do you have something to wear?"

The both shook their heads.

I wasn't sure what to do, so I just went and got dressed. When I came back into the room the both still stood there.

"Er, should you ask Stanley for spare clothes?" I asked, even though I knew Stanley Howler was way taller than Sam and Frodo.

Frodo shook his head. "We've survived weeks in the same clothes."

"Is it breakfast time?" Sam asked.

"Probably," I replied.

We then left our so-called apartment. I see why Moist Von Lipwig bought an apartment with his girlfriend as soon as his parole was up.

As we walked down the corridor, I noticed Frodo's blue eyes were full of worry. He seemed very distracted by the ring.

"Why hasn't anybody tried to steal it?" he muttered.

We kept walking quickly through the corridor and down the stairs. I hoped breakfast would distract him.

After a moment we reached the hallway which led to the lobby. I stopped when I remembered something.

"Wait... I think we should say hello to our hosts so they know where we are," I said.

Right beside the stairs was a door with the words 'Staff Room' written on it.

"Do you think they'll give us a map?" asked Sam.

"Maybe."

Without further ado, I knocked on the door.

Unfortunately, the person who answered wasn't Stanley. We found ourselves face to face with Mr. Tolliver Groat.

I noticed both Frodo and Sam recoil in disgust. The old man smelled so bad I coughed.

"You're the ones living in the old apartment, aren't you?" he said.

I nodded, to disgusted to answer.

"Tell Stanley we've gone out for breakfast. He's supposed to look after us, and we wouldn't want him to worry," explained Frodo politely.

Now that I thought about it, I realized that many things on Middle-earth smelled worse than Mr. Groat's toxic home 'remedies'.

"Let's go," said Frodo, leading me out the door. Sam followed us dutifully.

We walked into the madness of the post office lobby. The clock just struck 7:30 and the doors just opened.

Frodo the responsible leader led us through the crowd and out the door. "Where's the nearest breakfast place?" he asked.

"I'm not sure," I replied.

Sam looked rather angry all of a sudden. "But you know this city, don't you?"

I shook my head. "I know it from books I read. I've never actually been here!"

"That place looks nice enough," said Frodo, pointing to a nearby diner.

Sam frowned at the sign. "It says it serves food for all the major species of Ankh-Morpork."

I rolled my eyes. "That means they serve the food liked by Trolls, Dwarfs, and Humans. Ankh-Morpork is very multi-cultural these days. Even most criminal gangs don't care what species you are." I felt like an add put out by the Guild of Merchants and Tourism.

"That sounds good enough. Let's go, then," said Frodo.

We walked to the diner. It looked safe enough. In the Pseudopolis Yard area food isn't as toxic as the stuff you buy in the Shades.

We entered the place. Sam hid behind me when he saw a dwarf and a troll having a polite conversation while armed with culture-specific weaponry.

I saw a sign that said to 'Seat Yourself'. We did so, at a table near the door.

A dwarf waiter came over to the table almost right away.

"What would you like?" he asked.

"Three well-cooked scrambled eggs and four slices of well cooked bacon," I replied before any of the hobbits could.

The great Chosen One of Middle-earth didn't need to die of food poisoning.

Our waiter nodded and marched back to the kitchen.

"I ordered the bacon and two of the scrambled eggs for you guys," I explained.

"Why didn't you let us order for ourselves?" asked Sam.

I rolled my eyes. "Because I needed to make sure everything was well cooked. We wouldn't

want you two to get sick from eating undercooked food. That's one of the worst things that could happen to you."

"So, what should we do today?" I asked them.

"I don't know anything about this city, so we shouldn't split up no matter what," said Frodo.

"I'm going to the Unseen University's library, I think. Maybe you can follow me and read some of the non-dangerous books. I think they have at least a few shelves worth of books that won't kill you," I explained.

"We might as well, then," said Sam.

Once the waiter returned with our breakfast, we ate in silence.

After that, we left for the library.

I stayed there, reading some so-called 'nonfiction' about the Discworld's history. It was very amusing.

[8:13 AM]

[9:57 AM]

The Unseen University's Wizards seemed a bit annoyed that a such 'strange foreigners' had invaded they're library.

"Oddest thing since Susan Sto Helit showed up," one of them muttered.

It was rather odd, browsing books only a few feet away from such interesting people.

[10:00 AM]

[11:49]

As I read a book about the Roundworld Project, I heard a the sound of two Scottish accents. I closed the book and set it down on the table.

"Ook?" asked the Librarian, wandering over to me.

"I think a few more dimension-travelers showed up," I whispered, pointing toward the shelves.

Carefully, I wandered over to where the Scottish sounding voices came from. The Librarian followed me, and we soon came across two very interesting people.

"Pippin Took? Merry Brandybuck?" I said in surprise.

"How does she know us?" said one of them.

When I watched the movies, I couldn't ever tell them apart. Now I still couldn't tell them apart. They were just the Scottish hobbits.

I looked at the menacing books chained to nearby shelves. "Er, I think you should follow me out of this part of the library. It's rather dangerous."

"Ook," agreed the Librarian.

We walked over to the table I'd been sitting at. Thankfully, Frodo and Sam stood there now.

"What're you two doing here!" said Merry cheerfully. [He might not have been Merry, but I decided to think of him as that.]

"We haven't seen you since those Orcs captured us!" added Pippin.

Sam looked at them with confusion. "How did you two get here?"

"Better question: where are we?" said Merry.

Nobody bothered to answer. They all looked at me, in fact.

"In the Unseen University's Library, in the city Ankh-Morpork, on the planet of the Discworld, atop the Great Turtle A'Tuin, floating through space," I explained.

"Nowhere near Middle-Earth, or any of Arda," clarified Frodo.

Both Merry and Pippin looked confused.

"Is there any good beer around here?" asked Pippin.

I shook my head sadly. "Most of it isn't even safe to drink."

Not that I'd ever drunk beer, of course. I'd just read many 'colorful' things about the quality of Ankh-Morpork's beer.

"Should we get lunch now?" I said, "According to that clock it's 12:17."

They all nodded sadly, and followed me out of the building.

We walked toward the post office. Before we got their, however, I saw a Agatean Take-Out place. The Discworld's Agatean empire and Earth's China had similar food.

"Let's go there," I said, pointing to the place.

Frodo looked at me with suspicion. "Is it safe to eat there?"

"Most things in the Pseudopolis Yard area are fine to eat. Luckily, that's where we are now. But make sure you never buy anything sold outside of a building," I explained.

I didn't want anybody to be 'poisoned' by the food CMOT Dibbler sells.

We entered the crowded place. It looked like takeout only.

I wasn't sure how much Agatean food differed from Chinese food, so I ordered the simplest looking stuff possible.

So, just fried rice.

We sat down outside the building, waiting for our food to be cooked.

"So... What are we doing here?" asked Pippin.

"No idea," replied Frodo mournfully.

"We're stuck in a strange city with a cheerful tour guide," said Sam.

I rolled my eyes. "I'm not a tour guide. I'm stranded from another part of the Multi-verse, too."

"How do you know about this city then?" asked Pippin.

"I've read books about the Discworld. And I've read about you guys, too."

Truthfully, I hadn't read The Lord of the Rings. I'd seen two out of three of the movies.

Soon, a person from inside the Agetean take-out place brought us our lunch. We ate in silence.

[12:34 PM]

[3:02]

The rest of the afternoon we spent in the Unseen University's library.

I read all I could about Project Roundworld. Unfortunate, most of it seemed to be written by the Bursar on a day he forgot to take his dried frog pills.

A few minutes past three, I closed the book I read and summoned Frodo, Sam, Pippin, and Merry from the bookshelves they'd disappeared into.

"I think we should leave now," I told them.

Frodo nodded in agreement, and we left the library.

Once we got to the Pseudopolis Yard plaza, I noticed a plain black carriage parked nearby.

"It's him, isn't it?" Sam said, also looking at the carriage.

"What's wrong?" asked Pippin.

Frodo turned to the others, who clearly saw him as the leader. "We've got to get in that carriage. It belongs to the city's leader."

We followed him toward it.

Without even looking at us, the driver spoke. "Get in, please. I'm supposed to take you to the palace."

Somehow, we all fit in it. The fact that carriages don't have seat belts made things scary, though.

We spent the next few minutes in silence. I began to worry about what Lord Vetinari wanted with us.

The carriage stopped and we all climbed out. This time the Renaissance-style beauty of the Palace didn't fascinate me so much.

We entered the building.

Drumknott greeted us at the door. "Right this way, my friends. Lord Vetinari is very eager to see you."

Solemnly we made our way up the stairs. Merry and Pippin seemed very interested in the grand architectural style... Until we got to Vetinari's office.

When we entered the place, Sam actually tried to sneak away. He would of, if Vetinari weren't a trained assassin.

"Samwise Gamgee. You've nothing to fear. I doubt you've done anything to terrible in the last two days," said Lord Vetinari.

Sam reluctantly sat down at the table. "Yes sir."

Vetinari stared at us across his desk. "Well, well. Seems two more of you... Travelers have arrived in our city. I must say, I didn't expect any more multi dimensional vacationers until at least tea." He raised an eyebrow.

I shrunk back into my chair.

Vetinari continued. "I don't think five people can stay in an apartment meant for one. Though I think you'd prefer that to the prison. Be careful, though. I'm sure the League of Decency will be after Miss Jones any day now. Mr. Brandybuck and Mr. Took, you'll be getting the same allowance as the others. Fifteen Ankh-Morpork Dollars a week.

"I must also mention that Miss Sachrissa Cripslock of the _Times_ plans to interview you sometime soon. Don't tell her anything you shouldn't. The entire city doesn't need to know that portals have been bringing people from far across the multiverse. Drumknott will give you a summary of what- and what not- to say."

The last bit sounded like a threat. Knowing Vetinari, it probably was. I wanted to ask about any assassins guild contracts, but I couldn't bring myself to say anything.

We left the oblong office in silence. Drumknott handed each of us a folder. Pippin and Merry also got a bag of coins.

In silence, the three of us sat down on the palace steps.

"That was... Frightening," said Merry.

I nodded absentmindedly. Lord Vetinari scared me horribly. How could Adora Dearheart stand up to him? I'll never know.

"Helen?" said Sam.

I looked up. "What?"

The others say nearby, trying to look like they weren't eavesdropping.

"You seem sad. Well, more worried. Worried and sad and scared. What's wrong?"

"I like the Discworld books very much. But I don't like being in them as much as I'd like. I'm used to sleeping in my own room, eating breakfast in my family's kitchen. My family isn't here and my house is very far away," I explained.

"Like the Shire," said Sam sadly.

"Sort of. Hobbits are more into researching family trees than books. I love books. But books by authors like Neil Gaiman and Charles Dickens don't exist here. A few days ago I was reading _A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court_ by Mark Twain. Mark Twain doesn't exist here," I explained.

Frodo gave me a confused look. "You've never survived battles with horrible monsters. You've never feared that your best friend might die tomorrow! Not being able to finish a book is nothing compared to the worry that a dangerous magical artifact you're wearing as a necklace could corrupt you... You don't understand!"

I hated to admit it, but he was right. "I'm sorry."

"Well, should we go to a pub now? I could use a drink," said Pippin in an attempt to cheer us up.

"I'll go, too," replied Merry.

Sam looked at Frodo. "I'll only go with them if you do."

Samwise seemed really gay by 21st Century Earth's standards, but I think things are different in Middle-earth.

"I think we should all go," said Frodo.

That meant me, too. As the Fellowship's leader, he knew how to be responsible. And how to order people around.

"So, where should we go?" said Merry, looking at me.

Without thinking I said: "The Mended Drum."

"Where's that?" asked Sam suspiciously.

"In the Shades. I shouldn't have mentioned it. The bar fights are usual quite deadly. According to what I've read, the beer tastes like battery acid and looks like... I probably shouldn't say."

"I'll take your word for that," said Pippin.

Sam rolled his eyes. "Not that place, then. You don't know of any other places to get a drink?"

"I don't pay attention to that kind of thing. Where I'm from, people don't drink until age 21. At school they tell us all the nasty things that happen to you if you drink," I explained.

"Maybe we should show Merry and Pippin the apartment," said Sam.

Frodo nodded. "We probably should."

So we walked down the street to the post office. The place closes at seven Mondays through Saturdays, so at 4:30 it's rather crowded.

"What do they mean by 'No Rain Nor Snow Nor Gloom of Night Shall Stop These Messengers'?" asked Merry, pointing to the post office door.

"Who's Mrs. Cake?" asked Pippin, pointing to nearby graffiti.

"I'll explain later," I said as we entered the post office.

The place was bustling with excitement. Counter girls were working very hard, either selling stamps or checking in letters.

The five of us quickly rushed across the room. We ducked behind the counters, and ran down that hallway to the back. We collapsed right outside Mr. Groat's room.

"That was fun," said Pippin.

The rest of were too out of breath to reply.

"Er, who are you?" said a voice from the stairs above us.

I looked up. "Your Mr. Moist Von Lipwig!"

He gave me an odd look. "I know who I am. Who are you?"

"I'm Frodo Baggins, that's Samwise Gamgee, that's Merry Brandybuck, and that's Pippin Took," explained Frodo.

"And I'm Helen Jones," I added.

Mr. Lipwig continued to look confused. "What are you doing at the bottom of my staircase?"

"We live upstairs," explained Sam.

"Oh! You're the lot who live in my old apartment. I could've sworn there were less of you," replied Mr. Lipwig unhappily.

"Well, Merry and Pippin only showed up this morning," explained Sam.

"I've got Vetinari to blame, haven't I?" Mr. Lipwig muttered, half to himself.

"I always liked you, even though you were a con man," I said without thinking.

He frowned at me. "You're that girl who kept appearing then disappearing. Adora mentioned you. She said you've read those books Mr. Pratchett wrote about us. I'd prefer if you didn't mention any of that."

And with that he walked into the front of the office.

"Let's go show Merry and Pippin the apartment," said Frodo.

He began to walk up the stairs, and the rest of us followed him. When we got there, I was annoyed to see that two more beds were set up on the floor. There wasn't much space to walk!

This wouldn't be fun.

Pippin, by virtue of being the youngest hobbit, would be sleeping underneath the desk. He didn't complain that much, though.

Pippin, Merry, and I searched through the desk. We didn't find anything interesting. Sam told us not to cause trouble.

Meanwhile, Frodo stood by the window. He was staring at the city street below when Sam suddenly ran over to him.

"That's strange," Sam whispered.

Everyone, including Frodo himself, stared at his right hand. He wore the One Ring, but he wasn't invisible.

"Are you alright?" asked Sam.

His friend nodded, his blue eyes full of worry. "I'm perfectly fine."

"So, that isn't the Ring forged by Sauron in Mordor?" I asked with surprise.

From behind me, a prim female voice answered. "Technically, it is. We are so far from Middle-earth that it doesn't matter. Here, it's just a pretty piece of metal."

Slowly, I turned around. There stood Susan Sto Helit, wearing an elegant black dress. On her shoulder sat Quoth (a talking raven).

"Who's she?" Pippin said a bit rudely.

"I'm _Miss_ Susan Sto Helit. The Personification of Death adopted my mother when she was a child. When she grew up she married my father. I inherited some supernatural abilities from Grandaddy, including the ability to walk through walls," Susan explained coldly.

It sounded like a routine explanation, which it probably was.

"How did you know about Middle-earth?" Frodo asked her.

Susan almost smiled. "A combination of influential friends and some guessing."

"Influential friends?" said Sam with suspicion.

"I had people investigate. The Tooth Fairies, a couple of Bogeymen who owed me favors, Igor the Barman, and Grandaddy Death of course," she explained.

"And me," squawked the raven.

Even I jumped at that.

"Did that bird just talk?" Merry asked with amusement.

"Of course I did. My name is Quoth, thanks to wizard without a sense of humor," explained the raven.

"There aren't any talking birds in the Shire," said Pippin.

"He only talks because of excessive exposure to magic," said Susan.

[6:01 PM]

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